James Kershaw awoke with a sweat. A sliver of fresh November sun shone through the gap in the curtain. He looked around him and felt ashamed at the vast quantities of empty sweet wrappers from his Halloween escapades last night. He checked his Movember effort and his facial hair was, as per, non-existent. He wiped the sweat from his brow. Today was his big break; He was assistant technical supervisor and had a vastly important job running the lights at the Keble O’Reilly, afterwards he was choreographing the new routine for New college Cheerleading. But first, he had a lacrosse match to play.

He grabbed his kit and left the door. As he left, he waved to his next door neighbor, Laura, the current girlfriend of BP big dog Matthew Jamshed, who was fetching in the milk so Matthew could make his morning to brew to accompany his breakfast feast of chips and gravy (for you see, dear reader, Matthew hails from the North).

Jimmy K mounted his bike, coiffured his hair to ensure he was looking as fly as possible for the journey to Cardiff. The lacrosse boys were sharing the bus with the lacrosse girls and badminton boys, and Jimmy K wanted to look top notch. Unfortunately for Jimmy, there was no integration on the bus, as the men sprinted to the back of the bus and the women stayed wary near the front. The only exception was the women’s captain, who ventured into the men’s territory to discuss inppropriate past situations in front of people she barely knew.

The boys engaged in the standard bus activities: Theo & Bith discussed tute sheets, Cameron Schmontgomery checked out the Tinder scene on the M4 and majority of SouthWest Wales, breaking occasionally to Facebook stalk the girls attending next week’s crewdate, and Gabe Barrie engaged in his favourite pastime, sleeping.

The boys arrived approximately 6 minutes and 9 seconds before the scheduled face time. Having pushed faceoff back, they had a full 22 minutes to warm up. There would only be a third of the pitch jog. There would only be 30 seconds for personal stretching. There would be no fast breaks drill. Matthew Jamshed would be horrified. Jimmy K and his defenders would have to be switched on in defence straight away.

Ryan “The Power” Power started on face. Hussle on the ground ball resulted in an Oxford win and the team settled into offence. Ed “26 is the big shooter” ripped a shot from midfield. Low pie. Dreamy. Oxford were 1-0 up in the first minute. Similar work on the next face off, driven by LSM Cameron Schmontgomery resulted in another possession for Oxford and a strong dodge from Gabriel Barrie resulted in a feed and another goal for the Dark Blues. Nice one England Academy. Unfortunately, Cardiff managed to slot a couple past the defence, who had yet to get within 20m of the lacrosse ball and the first quarter closed out 2-2.

The second quarter saw much lacrosse being played. 15 minutes to be exact. The ball flew from end to end with neither team managing to rattle the onion bag and with no penalties being called, despite many occurring, and no blue flag being dropped, some began to question if this was even a lacrosse match that was being played. The half closed out 3-3. The Dark Blues had to up their game.

Oxford entered the second half with a completely different mentality. Everyone worked harder for the ball. Impressive face offs from Power and Smith resulted in more Oxford possessions. Jimmy “Jammo” K did his team proud, managing to take a break from continuously engaging in heavy petting with the man he was marking on the wing to pick up the ball from the ground and feeding it to the offensive players. Jefferson took time off from breaking collarbones to dodge and slot some low pie, putting Oxford in the lead. Alex “make me Varsity Sec” Harbord was also caught slotting a couple in the net. Attack worked well, with cuts and feeds allowing RIshi Goel and England Academy to pad their stats. Any Welsh offences were stopped in their tracks by long barrier from Ben Reeves or his team of defenders, including WIll “spelt like the guy from Inbetweeners” Mckenzie and Ciaran GIlbride. Bithell scored his first goal for the Blues and a dropped feed was hoovered up from the crease by Rob Conway, who, once again, scored the cheapest goal of the match.

By the 4th quarter Oxford were beginning to pull away and the Cardiff boys were getting frustrated and making more mistakes, some of which were legal and some illegal. Theo “Instagram Master” Hayes found himself, when not hugging Cardiff players in defence, driving a fast break, allowing Oxford to capitalise once more. Any dropped balls were heavily fought for, with the Dark Blues coming out superior, despite some interesting tactics from Cardiff - notably Cob found himself being mounted from behind by a pole probably twice his weight. He claims to not have enjoyed it. Oxford capitalised on Cardiff’s frustration, with the attackmen and offensive midfield dancing round their defenders and taking the ball to cage.

The final whistle blew. Jimmy K was ecstatic. His team had won an international match and he had managed to set foot in the attacking half multiple times, whilst also making a friend for life. He couldn’t wait to go back and tell Laura and all his friends at the theatre and cheerleading team. Now it was time to watch the lacrosse girls win their match, whilst planning some incredibly atmospheric straw and tin washes, interspersed with dramatic fades & strobes. They boarded the coach and Jimmy Ker was shaw it was going to be a great evening,

Final score Oxford 12- 6 Cardiff
Gabe 3, 3
RIshi 3, 3
Harbord 2, 0
Cob 1, 1
Bithell 1, 0
Ed 1, 0
Jefferson 1, 0
Ryan 0, 1

Men's Blues - Wednesday 1st November 2017 - BUCS South Prem - Cardiff Away